I wouldn't trade a Penny to get my Nickelback.

I know this an older topic, but I felt the need to post my opinions. I was recently listening to a station on Pandora and Nickelback came on. I immediately deleted the entire station and turned Pandora off. It's not that I hated the station. On the contrary, it was one of my favorites that I have had and worked on for over 2 years. It's that I refuse to have anything I love associate with such an awful band. I say that in the kindest way possible. I know that they, like many artists, are trying as hard as they can, but there has to be something wrong when your band is petitioned not to play at a football game by over 50,000 people. ( http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31749_162-57318853-10391698/nickelback-haters-petition-nfl-halftime-performance/).

I'm not a fan of Nickelback in the least. In fact I took a poll on my Facebook recently asking what people would rather do than listen to this band. Most popular answers were swallow thumbtacks, chew on aluminum foil, (or my personal favorite) rip my toenails off and soak the raw skin in salty lemon juice. It seems that I'm not the only one who doesn't like them. Millions of people agree that Nickelback is not a decent band. Not even close. 

So why is that I don't like Nickelback? I've been able to narrow it down to 10 reasons why. 

10. They are Canadian.

I know that seems like a little racy, but take into consideration other Canadians that have the limelight in America. Justin Beiber, need I say more? Avril Lavine, where her lyrics are rivaled only by Ashley Simpson in that they are something an 12 year old would write. He was a Skater boi, she said see you later boi. Tom Cochrane. I know that he seems to be somewhat popular, but every time I hear him play his harmonica and hit a sour note, which seems like every time he plays it, I cringe. Not to mention his most popular song was redone by Rascal Flatts and was more popular. That is the worst kind of slap to the face. There is not a very good track record to go on. They couldn't make it in Canada, so they have to come here?

9. They wrote the songs Animal and Something In Your Mouth.

Their frat boy sense of mind and knuckle dragging humor shows time and again when they continue to write songs about having sex with sluts. Animal is a song about how he is taking a girl out to the middle of no where to "get busy" because they are "a couple of animals."  Seems very sophomoric to me. It's almost as if they are sitting around writing their lyrics when some one says, "Hey, we should write a song about sex. It's be really cool and funny." I imagine them like a bunch of tween girls at a slumber part giggling while they have a pillow fight at talk about sex. 

My accusations are also confirmed when Something in your mouth is brought into play. 

(You naughty thing)You're ripping up the dance floor honey(You naughty woman)You shake your ass around for everyone(You're such a mover)I love the way you dance with anybody(The way you swing)And tease them all by sucking on your thumb

You're so much cooler when you never pull it out'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth
Bravo Nickelback. Truly the words of Poets. 
8. Nickelback's fan base. 

I'm not saying the fans of Nickelback are trashy. I'm just saying that whenever I hear their music I feel a desperate urge to grow a mullet, watch NASCAR, and perform domestic abuse while drinking a beer. Picture related: 
    

A recent internet poll showed that 80% of all Nickelback's fans lived in trailer parks or the back woods of Louisiana, Alabama, West Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and some rural areas of Utah. 
7.  They are bad enough to be booed off stage and have rocks thrown at them. 
Granted they were playing in Portugal at a metal concert, they were still shunned. Not to mention Chad Kroeger's completely unprofessional way of leaving the stage. Because flipping of an entire audience of Metal Heads is the best option in this case.

 6. All their songs are the same. 
They have an uncanny way of making all their songs sound like the same song, but with different lyrics. It's more than likely because of their lack of real talent by playing the same generic chords in harsh, and over bearing power chords to hide that what they really are playing is a simple A-C-G-D progression. I'm not claiming to be an exceptional guitarist. Heaven knows I still struggle. But I take the time to learn new chords and try new things. Nickelback banks on releasing a song in the same chords, but in a different order. If I wanted to listen to a mediocre band play the same chords over and over, I'd listen to Green Day. At least their music can be interesting. Seriously, here is evidnece of what I mean: 

This is a real thing. It almost makes me want to vomit. 
5. They are almost identical to the band Creed. 
The differences are subtle, except for a few. Chad Kroeger has a more harsh voice like he smokes sandpaper and Scott Stapp is less harsh but sounds like he has a wad of food he's holding on the side of his mouth. Creed is doesn't have as harsh of a guitar sound as Nickelback, but the repeatition of songs is there, just with more picking of the strings. I'm sure once Nickelback learns they can do that, we will see the identicals between the two really show. 

We already had to put up with Creed all through the 90's, why would the media industry subject us to this all over again? 

4. The Cliche's surrounding this Band. 

I know that sounds ridiculously Hipster, however the cliche's of this band are awful. I already mentioned white trash earlier, but I wanted to reiterate. It can safely be said that the people who enjoy Nickelback also enjoy other terrible things. Like the Fast and the Furious movies for example. Terrible movies, terrible actors, terrible plots, made millions of dollars because the fans watch the movies and go "Haha, vroom, vroom, fast car!! Haha, Vin Diesel is an acting God because he can only play this one part where he swears and beats people up." (Literally every Vin Diesel movie.) These are the same people who watch UFC and Wrestling, wear Tap Out shirts, watch Jersey Shore, and would rather pay to put a spoiler on their crappy Geo Metro than pay child support. I guarentee you that most of these people really like any movie directed by Michael Bay and thouroughly enjoy Nicholas Cage movies. (Nicholas Cage is also a bad actor, but that is a story for another blog) In fact, the only way Nickelback could get better is if they had Nicholas Cage join their band. 

Picture totally related. 

 
3. Chad Kroeger's Hair.

An odd thing to judge a band on, I know. The thing about his hair is that he looks like that uncle most of us have that could never really let go of the 80's country. I know this person all too well. They don't have a mullet, but they come pretty close. It's not properly taken care of so it is ratty and unkempt, greasy, trashy. He looks like The Dude from The Big Lebowski,only trashier.

Only, I like the Dude. He has redeeming Qualities about him.  Chad Kroeger.. he has money. That's about it. 
2. Nickel had over 50,000 people petition not to play at their football game. 
Last year the Detroit Lions were doing so well with their footballs games, they decided to bring back an old tradition of theirs where they played a game on Thanksgiving. They decided that Nickelback was a perfect choice for a half time show. The good people of Detroit thought that was the worst idea, prompting one man to make a petition to not have Nickelback play, saying, "This game is nationally televised. Do we really want the rest of the US to associate Detroit with Nickelback? Detroit is home to so many great musicians and they chose Nickelback?!?!?"  The petition by the time the game came had over 50, 000 people sign. Whole story here. (http://detroit.cbslocal.com/2011/11/07/detroiters-launch-petition-against-nickelback-halftime-show/)
1. Their lyrics.
The way the lyrics and music in their songs clashes is unbearable. I used to work at a local Boys and Girls Club and a few time in trying to bring culture to my kids, I would have them write poetry and their poetry would rival the poetry Nickelback uses in writing his songs. In fact, sometimes it was better. Just look at the rhyming scheme in Photograph. Photograph/laughred/headup/upwithout/outdoor/floorit/it
Or how about If Everyone Cared?cried/liedpride/diedfireflies/paradisewrong/alongstars/areme/be
Are you seeing a pattern? How about another? Rockstar?fame/namerockstars/carscheap/eatbars/starsthere/hair
Still don't see the mediocre lyricist style? How about one the worst travesties they call music? Hero.
I am so high. I can hear heaven.I am so high. I can hear heaven.

Oh but heaven, no heaven don't hear me.

Someone told me love will ALL save us.

But how can that be, look what love gave us.

A world full of killing, and blood spilling

that world never came. 

Now that the world isn't ending, it's love that I'm sending to you.

It isn't the love a hero, and that't why I fear it won't do. 

If that doesn't make you want to punch a baby Hedgehog, which is really hard to do, look how cute these things are: http://www.hedgehogs.gmartinjd.com/images/african-pygmy-hedgehogs.jpg, Then there is no hope for you to ever truly appreciate what quality music is. 

I hope that after this, you would have your opinion on how good they are changed, or agree with me. If you still choose to like them, then I hope that after listening to one of their songs you immediately contract a disease that renders you deaf. I say this in the nicest way possible. Like I said before, I want nothing I love to be associated with Nickelback ever, and I just so happen to love you.